Re: Mind Control Programming - MKULTRA
The information about "histamine" and scars is interesting inasmuch as I only noticed scars on my body when I began remembering.
There is a "butterfly" scar on my left hand and I came upon it after an alter wanted me to find it.
In my core, I continued to look at the spot where it was for weeks until one day, it was visible.
The "scars" on my body are not visible to most people. Black light, flourescent lighting, twilight seem to show them better.
They're like a Highlight magazine "find the hidden pictures." You have to look for a while before the shapes becomes visible. Some look like faces. Creepy!!
I noticed slash marks on my right wrist several years ago and what look like holes in my skin from pin pricks, needles and/or toothpicks under my nails. They would always say, "oh, it's just a little pin prick." It doesn't hurt. Some scars are probably from electricshock.
Strange how in my other "state" all of these decades, I never knew these "etchings" (as I call them) existed just as I never knew I was a mind control victim. However, I always questioned why I couldn't remember my childhood. It was one of the first things I said to my husband before we married. I knew, deep down, something was amiss. I knew it wasn't the normal fading of memories with time.
I assume I was put to sleep. However, upon awakening I was instructed to suicide so what would have been the purpose? Why not just kill me? They have no problem with that!!
They are most certainly pedophiles and do like to keep child like alters which I would think is connected to the Peter Pan programming. Hate to bring up Michael Jackson, but he did admit that he is a child!!
I think "Wendy" from Pan is one of my child-like alters.
Someone I knew was referred to as a "Whiz Kid." Or maybe there were some whom they attached this label to, but I don't think it was me.
Always talk about a government job. Government taking care of me for the rest of my life. Moving up the ladder, etc. Position of power.
Or, entertainer, but I didn't want any part of it. I think I was offered HUSH MONEY, or they paid out hush money to others, but I didn't accept because I believe a GAG order would have been placed on me.
I was reporting to others after they accessed my child like alters for pornography because they were not always able to hypnotize me, but, most importantly, they disgusted me so I defied them as best I could!!!
I didn't appreciate people abusing me and I certainly didn't like being switched so that I didn't know what was happening to me. So, I fought. I think I fought like a MAN!!!!
In fact, I recently spent the past year on a website and the degradation I went through by the posters there whom, due to their subliminal messaging and my suggestible state of mind, were able to convince me that they knew me from the past, loved me and had protected me from the cult and were the reason I was alive today. However, I think they are part of the cult.
The abuse can be likened to reverse psychology in making me feel guilty about my behavior when it was, in fact, they who were triggering my sexual programming and implanting false memories about my past and changing the role one particular person played in it.
I suffered for days believing that I had actually given birth to a baby when I was 17, hurt it and was institutionalized for this reason. All this through messaging and songs.
They rarely spoke to me directly. I was reading between the lines and they knew it. I gave them information about certain government leaders who were involved in my abuse. Protecting themselves this way!!
Whether they believe they can use anything I wrote on the site against me to discredit me should they be the real culprits from my past and I name names, is not of concern to me at this time.
They used songs to fill in the blanks of my missing life by one particular singer/songwriter/artist, but never provided proof to substantiate any of what they WANTED me to believe about my past and his role in it as a good guy!!
It was always alluded to that HE had been looking for me for decades. That I went missing!! Took off!! Left him!! My fault!!
I was desperate in looking for answers so I suspended disbelief because they were controlling and manipulating my mind AGAIN!!
In essence, I was under their control. I became isolated from the world, my husband, my children, etc. I had feelings of wanting to flee and be alone. Suicide thoughts were prevalent.
In the beginning, my alters were warning me of their real agenda. They wanted to use my sexual programming to attempt to blackmail me into silence about HIM and were hoping to ruin my life and my marriage. Render me alone, hopeless, helpless, hurt, angry, confused and suicidal without anyone to trust.
I continued to stay because they kept me hanging on to false "hopes and dreams." Thinking they had the answers to my past. I wanted to believe in the good of people and those whom I thought knew me from the past and had RESCUED me, saved me from the cult. He even went so far as to say "you're welcome" when I thanked HIM for saving me.
Double-bind meanings constantly appeared in the songs and messages they were feeding me and/or programming me to in the process. I was made to believe that my husband was ONE OF THEM!!
I actually PACKED my suitcase upon their command thinking someone was coming to get me to take me away from my home and put me in a Witness Protection Program. I was even talking about leaving my husband and children for a while so I could be alone. You see, I believe they were my handlers/programmers from the past and this is what they wanted me to do!! Leave my family.
Certainly, if they had proof or information, as they said, they had tapes, it would have been forthcoming.
Their goal was for me to suicide, become institutionalized or destitute and homeless!! LOST and alone in the world!!
I was also instructed not to have sexual relations with my husband. To give all of my love to The OTHER and since my house is wired, when I was close with my husband, the messages on the board were of pure disgust.
They would also post similarities as to what would be discussed in my home.
They also began to turn me against my husband. He was referred to as a low life and I found myself agreeing with THE OTHER. However, my husband has been by my side through all of this.
It was CRAZY!!
In addition, I began writing poetry/lyrics due to "getting the creative juices flowing" through pain equals love reversal, the anxiety they created in me and the chaos that was happening in my life while communicating with them. So many emotions consumed me.
I became bed ridden and relived torture sessions from the past. I lost about twenty pounds because I couldn't eat or sleep. It was said I committed perfidy and should "suffer in silence." Any mention about being a witness threw me into a containment program.
Anyway, I was programmed to protect my MASTER/handler; although in hindsight I realize now that he was then and in present my abuser together with his cohorts/partners in crime.