Jesus and Child Protective Services - Oh My!
INFANT DISCOVERED IN BARN, CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES LAUNCH PROBE
Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother
Bethlehem, Judea - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who
noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective Service
personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child
named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding
trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.
During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth,
attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds
and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child,
but were restrained by the police.
Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined by
doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for child endangerment. Currently
she is undergoing psychiatric evaluation due to her claim that she is a virgin
and that the child is from God.
The director of the psychiatric wing was quoted to say, "I don't believe that
there is much hope for her. She is steadfast in her belief that there is a
higher power at work here. I have treated many people with delusions of a
spiritual nature. Through the proper medications, I have been able to break many
of this spiritual delusion. Mary's only hope is to continue the medications
throughout the rest of her life. It is a very good thing that the State will
provide for all of her psychiatric care. She will be here a very long time."
The baby Jesus is also being treated for psychiatric disorders due to her
mother's severe schizophrenia. "Since we have learned so much about the genetic
reasons for mental illness, we are able to save children from the same
experience as their parents. Who would know how to better care for a child than
a psychiatrist?" a spokesperson for Family Protective Service said. Research has
determined the cause for Mary's schizophrenia is in here DNA, which is passed
along to her children. He went onto say, "It is best for this child to never see
his parents again due to their mental illness. A proper home will be found, and
a daily regiment of medication for Jesus will be implemented, so that he may
learn the reality of life that his parents did not know."
The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for a
quick resolution favoring the parents in this case is doubtful. Asked about if
Jesus would be returned to his mother, another Child Protective Service
spokesperson said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother definitely
underage. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what their
legal relationship is. Due to this unusual status, the State will not recognize
the parental rights of Mary or Joseph."
Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a census
requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they left,
investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure. Joseph is
being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping, child
endangerment, and statutory rape. His distraught condition prompted the State to
place him on suicide watch. In a humane gesture, he has been administered
medications to handle his suicidal tendencies.
Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege to be wise men
from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking
information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the
INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other
possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been
warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own
country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested. They are
being held indefinitely as possible terrorist suspects.
The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager Bethlehem
Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating health and safety
regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also
investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining livestock in a
A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going through
their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable, and
the involvement of these others frightening. There is much we don't know about
this case, but for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that
we will take whatever measures necessary to give the baby Jesus a better life."