The fellatio part seemed a bit impersonal, or almost like she was a bit insane. Maybe flip the situation around – I think it would balance things out. But thats just me :-)
I understand how it may strike the ear. In this portion, the Bride actually does sound a little crazy. It's because the sense of the wording is that she is more than a little frusterated with the cloistered misunderstanding concerning sex among her generation.
This is a very rough first draft. I'll think about your words. But, I keep thinking that I want to leave it a little edgy, a little bit raw, because that is how the Hebrew idiom is worded.
I keep thinking too that this really needs to be a 'Convergent' translation. It is emphatically postmodern, but it's beyond than that.
I believe that this translation is meant for this time most especially.
The O.I. has attempted to 'steal' this 'Holy Grail'.
Strange as it may sound, there are mysteries contained therein which speak to that very issue.
I believe that a correct understanding of the usage of Song of Songs has been lost for centuries, and well may have never been understood in full at all.
I state again, Song of Solomon is the Manual for achieving Unity Uttermost Shown on every level. It works on every level of human existance for all ages, at all times. To know and to follow its Mystery, it to achieve unity with all creation. It is the Manifestation of YHVH in Unity with All.
It is time for a pronounced sexual revolution in Xristentry. It is time for the Sons and Daughters of Hierusalem to once again 'project' the Light of Light.
The translation is working out in a very peculiar fashion. It has elements of classical Elizebethan English, and yet can move quickly to extremely postmodern idiom.
In short, it makes no 'logical' sense. The translation moves as the feeling and poetry allow.
It is meant to be a New Aeonic (i.e., moving toward the Aeon Aeonion of Xristos) translation that both transcends and unifies the collective soul and History of English.
And therefore my approach is Convergent. For knowlegdge is being raised and expanded throughout all quarters. This is a time that is neither, pre-modern, modern, or post-modern. We are becoming Convergent. The Masks are coming off. The Old Empire of the Novus Ordo Seclorum is crumbling as we speak.
It is this little book that I foresee as causing no small earthquake once the hoodwinks are taken off and humanity again awakens to its beginnings which have been visciously robbed from them.
The real Mystery is that Satan never had anything to offer in the first place.
All Mysteries of Salvation, Wisdom, and Power were ever prophecied in the Old Covenant and fulfilled in the New Covenant.
It just so happens that YHVH, LORD of Heaven and Earth, the God of Truth, the God of Life, also happens to be the God of Holistic Sexual Exstasy.
And I'm going to prove it through a well needed translation of this long lost gem.