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Old 09-01-2005, 09:07 PM
freeman freeman is offline
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Default Apeshit -- Ms. Magazine article on the bonobo apes


I really enjoyed Dr. Henry's article about the London human zoo exhibit, especially since it aroused a real flashback of deja vu to another piece I read in the Spring '05 Ms. Magazine.
The article in question was another attempt to reconcile the NWO's agenda for humans with the animal world by glorifiying a species of ape that allegedly displays reverse gender characteristics.
In fact, I was so bemused by the absurdity of the story that I felt compelled to write the following satirical parody (which eventually found its way to the Ms. Magazine editors, but alas, was not published in their "letters" section):
(All of the quotes are taken directly from the article itself.)

__________________________________________________

To the editor:
I'm afraid we're going to have to blame this letter on *****, who encouraged me to purchase a subscription to Ms. Magazine a while back, under the dualistic auspices of improving their circulation and expanding my cultural horizons.
To be sure, I have acquired a plethora of information vital to the social and intelllectual development of every sensitive, open-minded New Age male, such as those in-depth expose's on whipping, bondage and the morally redeeming value of the new ABC series "Desperate Housewives"; but nothing I have perused so far in the pages of this robust tabloid has piqued my interest like the following feature article: "Secrets of the Bonobo Sisterhood". (For the uninitiated, the bonobo are a species of ape whose gender-reversal social structure has been extensively explored by primate researchers like Dr. Amy Parish.)
From the article:

Quote:
Tourists in straw hats and flip-flops press their noses to the glass, trying to make sense of a strange yet oddly familiar scene in the bonobo ape enclosure at the San Diego Zoo. One woman in the crowd, though...isn't at all perplexed by what she sees, and is happy to decode it for the rest of us.
"There's Junior," says pioneering researcher Amy Parish, pointing to a rambunctious male bonobo rolling on the ground as a baby ape gleefully jumps on his chest. A few feet away, a female bonobo paces, eyeing the playful duo. "That's Lolita," Parish says, introducing the second character in the drama unfolding amid the palm trees.
On the surface, the action appears wholesome and all too human; the joy in dandling a baby on a sunny day. But, then Lolita plants herself in Junior's face, spreading her legs wide and tilting up her pelvis. In primate lingo, she is "presenting". In people talk...well, enough said.
Suffice it to say there are some universal languages.

Quote:
...Lolita's come-on sends one stroller-pushing family literally running away, the indignant human father harrumphing: "I think we've seen enough."
(A little late, now, Dad. You're already pushing the stroller. Oh, well.)

Quote:
Oh no, we haven't. With Junior focusing on the baby as a diversion, Lolita resorts to what looks like Hollywood overacting, extending her right arm toward him and beckoning with upturned fingers --- one of many gestures uncannily similar to those of humans...
...Junior looks away, crossing a bent leg over the other, lying back nonchalantly like a starlet reclining on a poolside lounger. But Lolita persists -- far longer than most human females would flirt with an uninterested man...
...Suddenly, Lolita grabs Junior's testicles. While the grope might shock the uninitiated, Parish has seen it all before.
Yeah, she's not the only one. I swear I met this same female in the summer of '78, at a biker bar outside of Youngstown, Ohio. In fact, I still have the tattoo of a Maltese Cross she branded into my backside afterward with a lit Virginia Slims butt.

According to Dr. Parish, she happened upon this unorthodox primate behavior entirely by accident:

Quote:
...She originally planned to study male-female bonds, as had her mentor (Dr. Barbara) Smuts, but then noticed unusual behavior: Unrelated females seemed to prefer each other's company to males. They lolled about grooming each other, shared food, kissed and hugged, and even rubbed genitals to cement "special" friendships -- the latter behavior getting most of the ink when bonobos first came to public attention. As a group, bonobo guys seemed out of the loop, a marked contrast to male-dominated chimpanzee politics.
Not to question the thoroughness of Dr. Parish's research, but I really have to wonder whether she thought to check the back of the cage for a cable television hookup tuned into Lifetime, WE, and old reruns of "Married With Children"...

The article goes on to describe Dr. Parish's painstaking efforts to corroborate her research findings with quantitative data:

Quote:
...she counted up blood-drawing incidents from zoo records around the world, finding that female bonobos victimized males in almost every violent case, including a Bobbitt-like incident that required microsurgery reattachment.
Poor little guy, and he never even got a book deal or a talk show circuit gig afterwards.

Quote:
..."Every zoo had its own interpretation about what was wrong with their particular male," Parish recalls, bemused at the stories she heard. "They believed that he'd somehow been turned into a wimp."
God, the indignity. Can't anyone accept the notion that some wimps are born, not made?

Quote:
In fact, bonobo females are fighters as well as lovers, although males in the wild can more easily escape serious injury by fleeing into the jungle...
And who the hell could possibly blame them?

Quote:
The females will even fight each other to protect their sons -- ultimate mama's boys whose rank through life depends on their mothers.
I always thought Mama Liberace looked a little hairy about the knuckles...

Quote:
Many bonobo daughters leave their family group at adolescence, joining other colonies by currying favor with senior, older families.
Wow, the distaff, simian version of the Ivy League.

Quote:
While some critics dismiss the bonobo matriarchy as a fluke or feminist delusion, Parish and others counter with a theory and evidence that show how female bonding works to control individual males despite the males' slightly larger size. Unlike abused loner chimp females, it's likely that the bonobo pal gang prevents males from killing the babies of rival males (as other males do) and allows females to choose their own mates and grab the best food. In the wild, females also hunt and distribute meat, once considered exclusively a male preserve.
There isn't a whole lot I find reassuring in that paragraph, except maybe for the observation that at least female bonobo apes haven't yet discovered artificial insemination and electric vibrators...

Quote:
"Women are often characterized as petty, infighting and jealous," Parish points out. "But in fact, when females get together, that gives them an incredible power base." Perceived or observed "backbiting" among women, she says, stems from patriarchy, which forces women to compete in a male-ruled game and then belittles them when they do.
Yeah, I know that seems so unfair, especially when compared to this matriarchal alternative wherein subservient males get their genitals bitten off for the slightest provocation...

Quote:
As a mother and researcher, Parish has personally felt the power of the bonobo sisterhood...Inspired by her research subjects, Parish has been raising her son on a primate-influenced model.
Uh-oh, here it comes. Girlie-Mon 101.

Quote:
She constantly carried him as a baby, slept in the same bed and nursed him for over five years. Citing evolution, she explains that babies are meant to be kept close, naturally crying as a survival mechanism when left alone. "Our biggest criteria on whether a baby is 'good' is whether it sleeps by itself every night," she says, scoffing at the notion.
Hmm, I dunno. Wasn't that the main defense argument in the Michael Jackson trial? Jesus Juice, anyone? But I’ll certainly bet young Mr. Parish was popular at his preschool, especially when his mother stopped by to bring him his lunch…

The article concludes with Lolita still ruthlessly pursuing poor, helpless Junior, as Dr. Parish engages in some "girl-talk" with the ape's group leader Lana.

Quote:
..."It's primeval. Electric. It makes your hair stand on end," Parish says later. "You feel this deep understanding of someone so like you in so many ways. They really are so human and we're so ape-like. It's such a feeling of kinship."
As much as I hate to argue with a pretty young blonde with a Ph.D. in primatology, my imperiled male ego compels me to assuage my anxiety by taking solace in the limitless possibilities of the conspiracy world. Perhaps, as some suggest with the AIDs epidemic, this entire species of apes has been tampered with as part of some sinister social engineering experiment, their gene pool covertly altered, perhaps even through selected crossbreeding. To all of my equally threatened male comrades, I make this pledge: I will not rest until I have absolutely determined whether Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan or Eleanor Smeal have ever made any documented excursions to that area of the Democratic Republic of the Congo indigenous to the endangered bonobo.
I absolutely refuse to accept any other explanation!

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  #2  
Old 09-01-2005, 09:39 PM
nohope187 nohope187 is offline
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Default Re: Apeshit -- Ms. Magazine article on the bonobo apes

Whoahoa, no joke dude! Serious ape shit. :-P
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