I told HIM, you can't control me anymore. I've told OTHERS about you and THEM.
They want to go public with it. They have information, too.
This was the beginning of a very devious plot against me.
Did I want to ruin his career? Did I want to send him to jail?
I said, you could be a witness against the government and quite possibly be granted immunity.
This could be a way out for you.
However, I'm out. I want nothing to do with you or the music industry or the cult.
I was convinced by HIM that he wanted out too, but that he didn't feel the time was right.
I didn't feel this way, because I trusted the OTHERS.
He felt people would think I/We were crazy. They are the crazy ones, not me. This was my MOTTO! This is the only way I stayed sane.
Why do you trust them, he asked. Because they don't abuse me. Because they've helped me. Because they have information about the "satanic cult," too.
I said, if you're not a witness, your name will come up otherwise.
Don't you love me? No, you abuse and control me. You're just like one of them, but you could possibly change if you get out. It might not be too late for you.
It's difficult not to feel pity at this point, but one must detach themselves emotionally from the reprecussions that an abuser might face when confronted with this reality. Although many of them are victims, as well, where will responsibility for actions begin if not with them?
If I changed, would you love me? I don't know. I'm just telling you that you have a way out and it doesn't mean that we have to be together or that we have to love each other.
It's your decision. But, your name will come up either way.
He wanted me to wait until he felt the time was right so we could be witnesses together, so he could get out of the cult, too. I said, when will that be?
You're just going to go back to the cult and I'm suppose to live with what I know until you are ready to be a witness? Just wait for you. I want this over and done with. You're going to tour all over the world and you expect me to sit and wait until you say the time is right!?! Until you snap your fingers and I jump like a puppet on a string?
You expect me to put my life on hold?
Well, through manipulation, because remember he was my controller/handler, he convinced me that there was a place I could go where people could help me to put this horrible stuff in a separate compartment in my brain until it was time.
I felt I couldn't live with this knowledge. It interfered with my state of mind as you could well imagine.
He would be waiting for me when I came home and maybe then it would be time. Then why go, I said. You are not safe right now, he said.
Why am I not safe? Did you tell people inside the cult? No, but they have a way of finding out. Then, why aren't you in jeopardy? You know I've told OTHERS. Because I have inside connections, but I never wanted to tell you this.
Oh, so you abuse me and act like one of them because this is your cover? You have to do this so you're not found out!?! So, when we're alone and you're abusing me, it's because??? Well, I'm not perfect. I grew up the same way you did. Yes, but I try to tell you what is right and what is wrong and you clearly do not understand.
After much manipulation, off I went to a "witness protection program."
Of course, not to protect me, but in the end to protect him and the cult from what I knew about THEM.
What will they do, I asked? He wasn't sure, but they would use hypnosis, etc. I said, they do that now when they want me to forget where I've been and what they've done to me. You use hypnosis on me. See, he said, and it doesn't hurt.
He supposedly had connections, too. Like he was working with the "good guys," as well. This, the reason he knew of a "witness protection program."
He didn't want to tell me this before, but it just happened to emerge during this conversation.
He uses this BOGUS CIA connection sometimes publicly.
I was tortured and they left me in a catatonic, near brain dead state.
Damaged goods. Not a good witness.
When I returned home, I didn't remember where I had been. When I saw HIM, I knew he was responsible. I knew he did this to protect himself and the cult.
He wouldn't tell me where I was taken; although he knew.
This, he said, because it would be considered tampering with a witness, and he still wanted me to believe we were going to be witnesses one day against the government.
However, I knew that the outcome they achieved was the outcome they and he wanted.
So, through manipulation, listen to the radio, to my songs, to other artist's songs whom you know and there will be clues/messages and when you remember what you "need to know" to bring this public, then we'll be together and the time will be right.
Since much of the past was sketchy now, just how he/they wanted it, he could only attempt to jog my memory and not give me any details. This, through messages/clues in songs.
Well, because of you, I may never remember. Because of you it might take 30 years. Because of you, I was tortured.
Just go about your life, I said. One day, I'll see you in ???
And, this he did!
Still somewhat under his control, I obeyed, but after some time and contact with the OTHERS, I knew this was causing disinformation, frustration and an attempt to trigger me and keep me from remembering.
I was trancing in and out of reality and my state of mind was being altered because, like I've said, I was programmed to music/songs/lyrics.
He had been tricked, he said. He never would have advised this if he had known what they were going to do this to me.
I'm yelling, "look, look at my scars." Look at me. Look at the marks from electricshock.
Get out and don't ever come back.
And, so, 40 years later!
No attempt to contact, no attempt to provide the evidence I was convinced HE had when I returned from the "witness protection program."
No evidence to prove that it was him with whom I had shared information in the past with about the "satanic cult" and he who had contact with insiders.
I remember thinking he was going to either be there with me for a while or stay, but I'm being tortured and I'm screaming HIS name, not because I was looking for him for protection, as they wanted me to believe on HIS site while I lay in my bed reliving torture and calling his name, but because I couldn't believe HE would allow this to happen to me.
He had to leave, they said. Why are you doing this to me? He said this is not what was going to happen.
When I return home, I see HIM and tell HIM to get away from me, I don't know you. Not because I didn't know him, but because I wanted nothing to do with him. You're dead to me.
I am practically being interrogated, tell me, tell US or me, what they did. Think hard, think hard. Like it's all on me now. Well, how can you be a witness you can't remember anything. What? Are you a dum, dum? Did they take your brain.
I explain what I remember them doing, and I'm told I'm wrong, they never would have done this. I'm imagining it. I'm making it up.
Why? I said. Why would I make this up. This was always everybody's answer for everything. Delusional, etc.
Why should I tell you anything, you just tell me it didn't happen.
Now, it's like HE's mad at me. I ruined it all. How can we be witnesses when I can hardly remember HIM, where we met; hardly remember what happened to me in the cult.
I say, well, you remember. You know. He replies that I have to remember. He can't speak for me. Convenient, isn't it? HE can't be a witness for me. Now, the instructions to listen to the radio for clues again, etc.
Tom Petty's song REFUGEE has triggers to bring about implanted memories before I had this recall such as the words, "kidnapped, held for ransom." The kidnapping scenario was used on HIS site. One particular poster was constantly referring to my mind control victimization as having been kidnapped. Who kidnapped you and I remember thinking to myself, this is odd, why would he think I was kidnapped.
Did they do a lobatomy, they ask? jokingly. Like this is a joke.
Think hard, think hard. I'm frustrated. I don't remember and, at that point, of course, I could care less. Just get out and leave me alone. Don't ever come back.
You are a sick man.
I'm crying. You did this to me. You let them do this to me and now you're acting as if it is all my fault. Like I've let you down. This was your intention.
You tricked me. You made me do something I didn't want to do because you have some kind of control over me. As recently evidenced on HIS site when I was behaving in ways unbecomming to my natural character.
You never wanted to be a witness, you never had any intention of leaving the cult. You sold your soul to the devil for fortune and fame.
She can hardly remember her own name, they say.
I'm certain after this interrogation, they were quite pleased with the results.
Then he switches from his sadistic personality to his empathetic one.
On his knees crying. If I ever find out who did this to you, I will sue the bastards.
I'm saying, you know who did this. Get off me. You don't give a damn. You were there and then you left. They were referred to me, he says. I didn't know them personally. Oh, and you can't find out with all your so-called inside connections.
You are such a liar! Just like them. You are as guilty as the rest of them.
You are just so sick. Get out. Stop trying to make me remember anything. You just make it worse. You ridicule me. You degrade me. You treat me like I'm not even a person. Not even human. You have no respect for me or yourself.
You are the reason this happened to me and I will never forget it. NEVER!
Ah, he says, but will you ever remember the details?
Yes, I say. When it's too late, he says. When this will not matter anymore. When the Beast has taken over the world. It will be too late before you remember.
And, you're a part of it. This is what you want for the world?
You are the "devil" in disguise, I tell him. You are everything they are and worse.
I thought you had a heart. I thought you had a soul, but I see they've taken those from you.
Sometimes a glimpse, but never long enough to make a difference.
See, see how sick you are. There aren't any words to describe you.
I think he truly believed that it was better to be a part of the cult than not.
So that when the time came, somehow, he would be protected because he was one of them.
Although, I found a way out, he still couldn't believe it possible for himself. Impossible to fight them is what he said.
So, he made it impossible for me, too at that point in my life with the creation of amnesia and implantation of false memories at the so-called "witness protection program."
Of course, he was fearful of his fate, as well with the information I had passed on.
Or, maybe he couldn't imagine his life without me. I don't know.
I think that he also thought it was better that the memories of him and the cult were erased and false memories implanted, because he actually thought we would be together again someday and that I would go back to him/them as if nothing had ever happened.
Holding onto some dreamworld that he lives in. That he wanted me to live in.
Didn't matter that I told him I never wanted anything to do with him or the cult. I can't be with you, you're a part of the cult. He just didn't get it.
Like I wouldn't be controlled again. Like I wouldn't be abused again. Like I wouldn't be a sex slave again. At that point, I probably didn't remember much of this.
The fact that he was a pathological liar and I did not trust him, that he was responsible for the torture I endured and knew what would happen to me, didn't seem to register with him. That he was my controller/handler whom treated me like a dog and slave, didn't matter either.
Like it was all just normal.
I remember him saying that I would have all the money I could ever want. I would never want for anything and I said I would want for a life of my own. For me to be in control of my own life and that is not what you and the cult are about. Do you think I want to give up my life for money?
Are you trying to buy my silence? You cannot. One day I will write about this and I was told to write about it after he was dead. Or, that I would be killed before the book hit the stand. I said I don't want to profit from any of this. I just want JUSTICE. I want it to stop.
I think he also believed that somehow erasing my memory, implanting false memories, creating amnesia (oh, yes, amnesia is great), was protecting me from harm. Without the knowledge of the government abuse and because I said it was difficult to live in the world knowing what I know without trying to do something about it, I think he thought the creation of amnesia was a good thing. Like it helped me. Kept me safe because I wasn't able to talk about it with anyone.
When I tried with the OTHERS, I became paranoid because of the fear they instill. You know, if I tell you, I'll have to kill you or myself.
I actually think I was "put to sleep" and placed in an altered state of consciousness, false reality until I woke up about five years ago.
I was already protected to a certain degree from the information I had passed on to OTHERS and he wasn't getting this.
I was out of the cult and it wasn't because of him.
I said, I could never be with you. I remember how you were to a certain degree and people like you don't change. You are a product of your environment. You are just like THEM. You're still acting the same way. Nice one minute, angry the next.
What about therapy, he asked. What if I go to therapy?
It didn't matter how many times I told him I didn't want to be with him, he just didn't get it.
I can see now looking back how this is common with someone who is abusive.
They are completely unaware to a certain degree that their actions are inappropriate.
He told me not to have sex with anyone or we'd never be together. This, while I was supposedly waiting for the right time to go forward.
I said, "I'm not spending my life waiting for you."
I was constantly telling him that I would be with whomever I wanted, have sex with whomever I wanted and do whatever I wanted.
I don't want to be with you, ever, I would say over and over again.
I was tortured because of you. You weren't there, but you knew and you think that because you love me that means I'm suppose to love you.
Don't you get it? I was tortured. That's not love. You don't know what love is. You think love is sex. You don't love me. You just don't want me to talk to anyone about you. You just want me to be your sex slave. You just don't want anyone else to have access to me. You just want to own me. I'm not a slave. I'm a person.
Go find someone else to love, but first learn what love is. Go seek help, I said.
On the site he wanted me to believe I was tortured so that I wouldn't give these people his name.
That I risked my life for HIM!!!!
How could he even think I cared about him? He was and has always been in love with himself.
I suppose fame has caused this to a certain degree. Adulation from his fans as well.
It was like he could do no wrong. Half the time I don't even think he remembered what he did to me. He was a different person so much of the time.
He said if we ever reconnected that I would have to stop having sex with my husband because I couldn't love two men at the same time.
I said I don't love you. He just didn't get it.
Once on the site, I was asked, "do you remember where we were?" I said, yes. He said, "is it still there?" I said, yes.
I remember it being said that the my home would always be there. Everything would be left untouched. But, this plays into one of his songs, so it may be disinformation.
Sell it, I don't want it, I said. I'm never going back there. Ever.
There was a remark made one day on the site by him to imply that I was his wife. Like we had been married by a gypsy in the past. This, again, plays into one of his songs so it could be disinformation. Even if we were married by a gypsy, like this would be real!!!
Nothing in the cult is real!
One minute abusive and then the next it was like he didn't do anything. I was suppose to just carry on like on the site when those words were constantly typed, "Carry On." Like, oh, alright, yeah, that abuse you're dishing out, I'll just forget about it and carry on. Let's joke and laugh it up.
I don't want to be with someone who abuses me. This, I said over and over again.
I'll give you anything you want. I'll buy you anything you want.
I don't think he knows the meaning of abuse. Not in that world. It's normal.
I went to a Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young concert recently. Crosby dedicated a song to a girl he said who use to watch them play, but her father locked her in her room.
This "locking in the room" by her father is referenced in one of HIS songs as well.
I have explained earlier about "the voices," and "the voices," and now I have to elaborate on this further.
For me, there were "the voices" of my past programmers that were triggered when I awoke and are responsible for causing a "spin" effect of disinformation, a brain overload, a shut down. Chatter! Basically, a way to block access to real memories. In essence, as it is referred to by those with knowledge of mind control, screen memories.
I was implanted with an overload of disinformation that causd frustration in trying to ascertain the truth from fiction/lies.
These voices have quieted. They have been silenced.
It is a type of schizophrenia, but man-made by "mind controllers" and Nazi doctors inside the "satanic cult" at the time of my incarceration.
There are also voices that are housed within other alters who carry commands such as suicide, self-mutiliation, etc.
Sometimes these voices would talk back to one another. Or, comment on my core. Needless to say, it is very taxing on one's mental state of mind. And, again, plays into the silence, neutralize and contain.
But, we must remember, it is not something that I was born with. It was man-made.
I do not refer to the "instructions" that I was armed with as "the voices." This is a part of my core personality. A piece of myself that kept me alive in the past and the present when I would receive "suicide commands" and other destructive orders from alters, past programmers and/or secret, silent, invisible weapons.
These "instructions" are housed in a compartment with the "knowledge" and truth that I learned from my incarceration in MKULTRA/Project Monarch. These instructions, knowledge and truth did not come about on their own. I was inquisitive. I asked questions, I learned how to extract information. If they were going to abuse me, if I wanted a way out, then I was going to have to learn how to retrieve information. I was not going to sit back and take it. I was not going to be a prisoner in their world for the rest of my life.
I referred to the OTHERS as my advisors, as well. To this end, I was also trained to a certain degree by them. They were the only SANE people in my life. I knew what I was experiencing was wrong at a very young age and I fought against it as best I could, but seriously, if not for them, I may still be a victim today.
Most all of which HE and they accused me of suffering from is likely what he suffers from as well and most probably before these symptoms presented in me.
He couldn't remember what he did to me from one day to the next. From one minute to the next. I would ask, how can you not remember? You just did such and such to me a minute ago. Or, yesterday, etc.
I just don't, he would reply. Or, the voices made him do it. Or, he would deny it. I would say, what voices? Just voices in my head. Tell me when you hear them so I can tell you, shake you out of it, snap you out of it before you do something you will regret later. Before you hurt me again.
The disinformation was that the instructions came from HIM. This was re-inforced on HIS site. This is negative.
The disinformation was that my mother and father were responsible for all of my abuse. This is negative.
The disinformation is that he saved me from the cult, when the fact is that I may have been able to provide him with a way out, but he chose to stay and have me tortured instead.
After being manipulated, placed in altered states of consciousness, sexual programming triggered, convinced HE was my protector, suggestible state of mind enhanced, exchanging emails and my husband is referred to as a loser.
I was "instructed" and knew that this would be a ploy. Attempting to have me speak poorly of my husband as if this would be something they could hold over me.
When I lied about him, the lie was many time repeated on the FORUM as a comment by another.
And, this, through another email, "think of me as your diary." This suggestion was ignored.
And, this, after being abused, very upset and angry as though it was nothing, through an email "Oh, don't hold a grudge report." What should I do with it? Pass it down the chain of command.
Yes, artists are talented. When you're a songwriter, this ability can be enhanced through hypnosis and altered states of consciousness and if you are "mind controlled," your suggestibility is very high.
In this sense, a scenario can be depicted. You are then asked to pretend you are this or you or that.
You can then transfer your lyrical abilities into a song that does not even relate to who you are but of the character/person you have taken on in this state of mind.
It is a form of make-believe. You are told to make-believe this and make-believe that.
One artist in particular, uses dozens of female names in his songs, but never that of his wife. This is prevalent with many songwriters.
Many times they are "stuck in the past," or brought back into the past to relive events that left an impression/emotional turmoil. Being in the cult, there are plenty of these to chose from.
This is a tool that the mind controllers use.
Remember how you felt when this happened, when that happened. Tell us about it. Now write about it.
As I've stated, sex slaves are in abundance and the emotional abuse that they endure and those whom they are handled by or "farmed out to" can be called up through the aforementioned tactics. The end result are so-called love songs, but most of their love songs are of a hurt and pain. A hurt and pain that is truly man-made within the cult for this very reason. A hurt and pain that is deeper than anything one might experience in reality.
These techniques are used to get and keep the creative juices flowing.